Wishing I was in Clatskanie

This weekend a lot of people I really, really love will be gathering in Clatskanie to talk, laugh, remember, cry and mourn Todd Howard. Oh how I wish I was going to be there!

Todd has been like a big brother to me for over 20 years. His family graciously--almost scandalously!--took my dad in as a border when we made the move from Woodburn to Clatskanie in the late '80s. Houses were really hard to find and Dad had to report for work, so instead of living in a hotel for a few months, Todd's mom, Jeanette, offered an extra room at her house. I felt really weird and uncomfortable about this. After a few visits to Clatskanie as a family, however, it was clear to all that we were destined to be surrogate extended families.

Todd was ten years older than I was and a nineteen year old to a nine year old makes for a strong impression! The same went for my brother. If I was at my parents's house I'd dig up photo after photo of us together for countless Thanksgiving, Easter and Christmas celebrations--along with just as many hunting trips.

Todd was like most big brothers to me: relentless teasing, hugs, fun, driving too fast, words of advice, the occasional misunderstanding or disagreement, but most of all I knew that no matter what, He loved me like a sister and always would. I knew that he was proud of me. I knew that he cared.

It is strange and surreal to be over 5,700 miles away when someone you love has passed away. The hardest part is knowing that so many people I love are hurting and grieving together. I wish I could be a part of all the story telling, photo sharing, service planning and hugs. I don't always know what to say, but I always have a hug ready. I'd give one to Jeanette and Tracey, Mom, Dad and Mike, Don and Fran...and there's no way my eyes would be dry as they are now because my heart can't seem to accept that he's gone.

One thing I do know is this...he is not here. He is with our Lord.

I love you, Todd.